Monday, February 23, 2009

Capital Punishment

Somebody stole my Iron Horse right off the car rack yesterday. Cops said that there has been a rash of bike thefts in the area recently. Officer P also said that there were a few kids he suspected that may have been the culprits. I asked him why, if these kids were notorious bike thieves, they were still out on the streets.

I am big proponent of both corporal and capital punishment. If we strapped thieves to poles and whipped them with sticks, beat them with bats and broke some bones, I have a hunch that theft would decrease around here. If theft carried the possible sentence of death, I guarantee the amount of theft in this area would go down.

Bike thieves had a special place in my tar black heart. Unfortunately, this is not the first time myself or a family member has fallen victim to these assholes. The first time I encountered these pieces of shit was when I was 8 or 9 and somebody stole my brother's custom Patterson BMX bike. I have had 4 bike stolen from me in my time. Well, 3.5 bikes. I once had some son of a bitch take a sledgehammer to my bike lock , thus denting the frame so badly it was rendered useless. I had a friend in college who had his entire roof rack stolen with his Cannondale Jekyll on top.

Yes, I definitely advocate the death penalty for bike thieves. Maybe I'll run for judgeship next election year. I guarantee theft and population density will both decrease on my watch.....

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